Notes on De-Escalation

Don't be reactive, instead respond.

De-escalation is not problem solving. In a situation that may escalate, you want to de-escalate (decrease the intensity and magnitude of the situation) now and problem solve (think of solutions) at a later date. Your primary concern is safety.

Keeping safety in mind, do not allow yourself to be the barrier between de-escalating a situation. This happens when your train of thought goes to these areas:

• I am the authority
• I need to be in control
• Rules are rules
• They need to...
• I must defend myself (verbally)

Things that will escalate a situation:

• saying "calm down"
• saying "you shouldn't/you need to/if you don't, then..."
• getting in another person's space
• refusing to listen
• invalidating feelings
• blaming, shaming, criticizing
• being sarcastic

We may judge things as socially inappropriate, but that is also assuming people can self-regulate (telling someone to "calm down"). Keep in mind those with mental health challenges are doing what they can. 

You may not get the last word, but if you get the last action (they stop doing x), you have successfully navigated an encounter.

Nonverbal Approaches:

• give the person space
• adopt an assertive (not aggressive) posture (open palms, mid-height)
• make eye contact (or mimic level of contact)
• adopt a safe angle (from the side, not directly, allowing both parties to exit freely)

Verbal Approaches:

• Paraphrase (patron's feelings, wants, thoughts) [ex. "You feel frustrated with xyz"]
• Support Statement [ex. "I agree, it can be frustrating…"]
• Validation Statement (Agree the situation is dumb, annoying, stupid...) [ex. "You’re right to feel that way. It must be frustrating to always xyz"]
• Apologize [ex. "I'm really sorry, but...] (the rule is stupid, not the patron)
• Offer to help
• Ask them to do something

You can still set limits while de-escalating.

X if you don't calm down, I'll call the police

O I don't want to have to call the police here, help me work out a better solution.

"Please step back." (when/if they do, thank them)

"I hate to do this but..."

"I have to ask you..."

When someone is reacting with emotions and instincts, they are not being rational. Beyond enforcing a rule or getting someone to understand your policies, safety is most important. Genuinely connecting with empathy will help in most situations. With a strong enough connection, you can turn a negative situation into a positive one.

Example 1:

You approach a patron (from the side) about their use of loud profanity.

You: I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to lower your voice and watch your language.

Patron: YOU PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS COMING AFTER ME!

You: I’m sorry if it feels that way. It must be very frustrating always being told what to do, but it’s our policy if you want to continue to use the library.

Patron: *grumbles under breath angrily*

You: Thank you. Please let us know if we can be of any help.

--> although the patron wasn’t happy to do so, you still got the desired result (they stopped using loud profanity)

Example 2:

A patron comes up to you angry and upset.

Patron: These kids are swearing and being loud. I told them to please be respectful of the space and they called me names. They have no respect. You people don’t do anything.

You: I’m so sorry. You should never feel like you have to respond directly. Please know it’s never your responsibility to talk to them. Let staff know if there’s a problem and we will step in. It’s absolutely not acceptable for you to feel unsafe in this space.

Patron: I mean, I see these kids every day and they seem so out of control.

You: I know. And we appreciate you coming to use the library. We do try to talk to the kids and give them warnings, but we try not to make banning our first course of action. For some of our patrons, they have nowhere else to go and we want to give them a chance to correct their behavior.

Patron: I get that. I’m not heartless. I’m just frustrated.

You: I understand. Thank you for letting us know. It’s important that you feel welcome to come here as well. We’ll try to be more firm with the kids.

Patron: I’m sorry. I know if they had better role models, it’d be different. Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

You: Thank you. I’ll go talk to the kids now.

Patron: Thank you.

--> This is a real life example of a patron starting out angry and upset and switching over to calm and understanding based on the connection made (including an apology and thanks). The kids also heard the exchange and straightened up immediately, but were also warned that they would be done for the day if they acted up again.

Example 3:

A patron stands very close to you in a threatening manner.

You: Sir/Ma’am, I’m going to ask you to take a step back.

Patron: (steps back) Are you listening to me??

You: Thank you. I hear what you’re saying. I know it’s frustrating. If you’d like, we can sit down and talk about this.

Patron: (steps forward) No, we can talk about this right now!

You: Please take a step back if you’d like to talk.

Patron: (steps back) This is BS.

You: Thank you. Please tell me about the issue you’re having.

--> thank people for the desired actions they take. A reminder that it may not always end happily, but if no one was hurt, the interaction was a success.

Also a reminder, you are not responsible for putting yourself bodily in harm’s way. You know what is right for you. If you are in danger, do what you can to get yourself out of danger. De-escalating is just one tool you can use, not the only tool.

--Cindy K.@GLCL